Scattered Thoughts

By Jolie du Pre

Copyright 2007, 2008

Kim could do it blindfolded – walk two blocks down Sixth, turn left on Bell, grab a paper out of the bin, walk further down Bell to the train tracks, wait for the train, board the train. Every weekday morning, at 7:00 a.m., it was the same.

And then, when the train reached its final destination and everyone disembarked, she shuffled along with the rest, like a sheep in a herd. Sometimes music gave her a few moments of joy, but then she’d grow tired of her play list, returning to it only after she’d added new songs. She lived for her lunch hour. She lived for 5:00 p.m. on Fridays when she could leave work and have two days off, until 10:00 p.m. on Sundays when she’d have to go to bed and then return to work, her weekend over.

Most people assumed the law firm or the lawyers were the problem. After all, lawyers treat legal secretaries like shit, right? But the lawyers were nice to her, and they were concerned about her lethargic behavior and her sad eyes.

It was her friends who knew the true source of her depression. She and Linda had been lovers for five years. Everyone who knew the pair thought they would be together forever. But Linda had suddenly announced that she’d met someone else and when she left, Kim fell apart. Her friends gave it time and were sympathetic. They lent an ear and a shoulder to cry on whenever she needed one. Later, when they thought the time was right, they even tried to fix her up, but it was pointless.

Kim sat at her desk, retyping a document a third time. She had always been productive, but even that was in danger. She stopped typing and stared at her computer. Only the sound of Amy approaching, her high heels clicking on the company’s marble floor, gave Kim any motivation to look up.

“Hey you! Want some lunch?” Amy’s high-pitched voice sounded like a child’s, which Kim often found endearing. Today it cut like a serrated knife.

“Ready?”

“Are you? Oh Kim, you look horrible, again.”

“Never mind. I was going to work through lunch, but I need to get out of here. Where are we meeting Denise and Mary?

“At Alberto’s. We’ll slip you a drink to bring you out of your mood.”

“Great, get me drunk when I’m supposed to be working.”

“Just one drink?”

“One is enough. I’ll never make it back in.”

“Maybe that’s the goal?”

“I don’t want it to be.”

***

Kim and Amy—friends since they’d been hired on at the law firm in the same week—met Denise and Mary at Alberto’s. With its dark interior, white table cloths and photos of famous Italians on the wall, Alberto’s felt like a little piece of Italy. The food was always good and surprisingly inexpensive.

Denise and Mary were good friends. After having run into one another at various law firm functions, at the gym, and in the nearby restaurants, the four had gravitated together until they’d become near inseparable. They three of them had been a lifesaver when Linda left, and Kim, as she slid into the booth, was glad she’d joined them.

Kim gave in to temptation and ordered Chianti. As she drank, her body began to relax. With the way she was feeling, today was not the day to avoid alcohol.

“I’ve brought photos of the cottage,” Denise said, pulling them out of her purse. “Look!”

Mary took one of the photos out of Denise’s hand. “It’s beautiful.” It was beautiful—a small, but modern house surrounded by trees and situated by a lake.

“It’s vacant,” Denise responded. “My parents are in Florida. I say we take a trip. All of us. Especially you Kim.”

“You could use it, Kim,” Amy said.

“I can’t take the time off.”

Amy shook her head. “You haven’t been on vacation in two years. You need a break!”

“What for? Seen any hot women out in the boonies?”

“We tried fixing you up with some very nice lesbians,” Mary said. “You resisted.”

“I don’t need a bunch of straight women playing matchmaker to the dumped lesbian.”

“We were just trying to help, “Amy said.

“I know, “Kim said. “I know. I’m sorry. I wasn’t ready.”

Denise turned to Kim and looked her in the face. “Well my dear, we think spending time at my place is just what you need to get you back on your feet again.”

“You say,” Kim said.

“We know,” Denise replied.

“When should we go?”

“Good question, Mary!” How about the last week in June? That will give us enough time to get the time off.”

“How long does it take to drive there?” Amy asked.

“Five hours. We should leave on a Friday and come back the following Friday. What do you think? Do you ladies see any problem with that?”

Kim sipped her wine and closed her eyes, savoring the liquid as it went down her throat. It was one of those moments that she wished she could hold on to. All she wanted to do was to block everything out. But she knew she couldn’t. And when she opened her eyes, Denise, Mary, and Amy were staring at her.

“What?” Kim asked.

“Come with us,” Amy responded.

Kim sighed. “Yes, yes, I’ll request the time off.”

***

Kim sat on her couch and waited for her friends, her bag, packed for the week, at her feet. The thought of spending time away was somewhat satisfying. There wouldn’t be much to do, but it would be relaxing and the place had no memories of Linda. There was a time she’d traveled. She and Linda had gone everywhere together and traveling alone held no appeal. Maybe spending time with friends would help.

The others talked about work and men, their two favorite subjects, on the otherwise uneventful drive. Kim was a good sport, but she didn’t have much to say. She looked out the window, watching the scenery change as they passed through each city and crossed the state line. When they left the main highway and got closer to the cottage, the numerous trees, and the crystal blue waters of the lake, gave Kim a surprising feeling of peace.

Denise pulled the car into the driveway, turned it off, and hurried out. “Come on! While we’re young!” She laughed and ran inside as the rest of the women followed.

The house was small on the outside, but perfectly decorated on the inside. It was clear that Denise’s parents loved their cottage and had invested time and money in it. The color scheme was warm and inviting and it seemed that in every room there was a comfortable sofa or chair to sit on.Throughout the house there were photos of Denise, who was an only child, and her parents. But in addition to those were several photos of a woman with auburn hair and striking features who appeared to be in her early twenties. Her smile and the straightforward gaze from moss-green eyes stopped Kim in her tracks.

“What are you looking at?” The sound of Denise’s voice made Kim jump.

“Who’s that?”

“Susie. She was my cousin. Wasn’t she beautiful?”

“Yes, very much so.” Kim looked at Denise. “Was?”

“She died in a car accident about three years ago.”

“Oh, that’s horrible.”

“A year before she died she lived with my mom and dad. That’s when these photos were taken. Her parents had kicked her out for being a dyke. I mean a lesbian. So we took her in.” Denise looked at Kim, “I didn’t mean to say dyke.”

“It’s okay, Denise. It doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I’m sorry. I’m nothing like my aunt and uncle. When they kicked Susie out we stopped speaking to them.” Denise picked up the photo. “That poor girl had been through so much, only to have to die so young. It was a horrible tragedy”

Kim walked out to the patio and looked at the trees. Denise followed. “Are you okay? I’m sorry.”

“I’m fine.”

Denise’s cell phone rang. It didn’t matter where Denise was, her cell always rang.

“Linda! Hey what’s up? You ready for the bar tonight?”

Hitting a bar wasn’t what Kim had in mind for her first night.

“Yeah, we just got in,” Denise continued. “We’re unpacking and everything, but we’ll be ready to hit The Lodge tonight. Meet you around ten? Awesome! Talk to you later, hon.”

“Let’s stay in, so we can all catch up and talk,” Kim protested. “How are we going to hear each other over all the loud music? I really would like to spend some time with you guys without all the noise.”

“Oh Kim! Always an excuse!” Denise ran back into the cottage. “You ladies ready for The Lodge?”

“What’s The Lodge?” Amy asked.

“Only the hottest bar around!”

“We’re out in the middle of nowhere, Denise. That’s not saying much,” Amy said.

The others talked about work and men, their two favorite subjects, on the otherwise uneventful drive. Kim was a good sport, but she didn’t have much to say. She looked out the window, watching the scenery change as they passed through each city and crossed the state line. When they left the main highway and got closer to the cottage, the numerous trees, and the crystal blue waters of the lake, gave Kim a surprising feeling of peace.

Denise pulled the car into the driveway, turned it off, and hurried out. “Come on! While we’re young!” She laughed and ran inside as the rest of the women followed.

The house was small on the outside, but perfectly decorated on the inside. It was clear that Denise’s parents loved their cottage and had invested time and money in it. The color scheme was warm and inviting and it seemed that in every room there was a comfortable sofa or chair to sit on.Throughout the house there were photos of Denise, who was an only child, and her parents. But in addition to those were several photos of a woman with auburn hair and striking features who appeared to be in her early twenties. Her smile and the straightforward gaze from moss-green eyes stopped Kim in her tracks.

“What are you looking at?” The sound of Denise’s voice made Kim jump.

“Who’s that?”

“Susie. She was my cousin. Wasn’t she beautiful?”

“Yes, very much so.” Kim looked at Denise. “Was?”

“She died in a car accident about three years ago.”

“Oh, that’s horrible.”

“A year before she died she lived with my mom and dad. That’s when these photos were taken. Her parents had kicked her out for being a dyke. I mean a lesbian. So we took her in.” Denise looked at Kim, “I didn’t mean to say dyke.”

“It’s okay, Denise. It doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I’m sorry. I’m nothing like my aunt and uncle. When they kicked Susie out we stopped speaking to them.” Denise picked up the photo. “That poor girl had been through so much, only to have to die so young. It was a horrible tragedy”

Kim walked out to the patio and looked at the trees. Denise followed. “Are you okay? I’m sorry.”

“I’m fine.”

Denise’s cell phone rang. It didn’t matter where Denise was, her cell always rang.

“Linda! Hey what’s up? You ready for the bar tonight?”

Hitting a bar wasn’t what Kim had in mind for her first night.

“Yeah, we just got in,” Denise continued. “We’re unpacking and everything, but we’ll be ready to hit The Lodge tonight. Meet you around ten? Awesome! Talk to you later, hon.”

“Let’s stay in, so we can all catch up and talk,” Kim protested. “How are we going to hear each other over all the loud music? I really would like to spend some time with you guys without all the noise.”

“Oh Kim! Always an excuse!” Denise ran back into the cottage. “You ladies ready for The Lodge?”

“What’s The Lodge?” Amy asked.

“Only the hottest bar around!”

“We’re out in the middle of nowhere, Denise. That’s not saying much,” Amy said.

Eventually, everyone came running out of the bedrooms, the smell of perfume in the air. Decked out in tight jeans and tight tops, Kim was reminded why women, for her, were the most beautiful creatures on earth.

“We’ll be out late,” Denise said. “I’ve got my key, so no worries.”

“Be careful you drunks!”

“Mary is the designated driver, so we’ll be fine.”

“Oh really, Mary?” Kim said. “How did you get so lucky?”

“Well you know I’m not much of a drinker, so I get to babysit.”

Kim laughed. “You guys look great! Have fun.”

When the girls left, Kim breathed a sigh of relief, grateful to have the cottage to herself for awhile. She watched the lights from the car disappear and then it was dark. She locked the door as the rain began to fall.

***

The rain fell even harder.

Kim flipped through the channels, but there wasn’t anything on she wanted to watch. She missed having her friends around and she wondered if she should have gone with them. She turned off the television and began exploring.

There was a locked room at the end of the hall. Kim, always curious, tried the door, but it wouldn’t open. A little embarrassed at herself but bored and lonely, she decided to look around for a key.

She looked in cabinets, looked in drawers. In the kitchen, she stopped and laughed at herself, wondering why she would look so hard for something that she had no idea was even in the house. She closed the drawer she’d been pilfering and shook her head. It was only then that she noticed a bunch of keys hanging on the wall near the back door. Sure they were probably for other things—the house, the boat—still, she took them down and tried them. To her surprise, one of them worked.

Kim hesitated at the open door. Perhaps she should just close it and forget about her plan. But she was already there and her curiosity got the better of her. She reached in and flipped on the light. The room was neat, if slightly musty. Everything was in its place, but a light layer of dust covered the furniture. Photos of Susie were on the walls and it seemed clear this had been her room.

Kim walked over to the girl’s dresser. A collection of colorful rocks were nestled in the bottom of a natural wicker basket. She picked up one of the rocks and rolled it in her hand, loving the smooth, cool feel of it against her palm. There was a scuff of dirt on one knuckle and she realized she was probably a mess from all her searching. She looked up at herself in the mirror and screamed. The rock fell to the floor. Susie was behind her, but when Kim turned around, Susie was gone.

Kim hurried out of the room and closed the door. She turned on as many lights as she could and sat on the sofa, pulling her legs up into a ball. She wished the others were back.

She turned on the TV, this time grateful for the background noise, and picked up the phone to call Denise.

“When are you guys coming home? I’m starting to see things.”

“What?” Denise said. “Speak louder, Kim, I can’t hear you.”

“It’s spooky here. When are you coming home?”

Denise laughed. “My parents house is hardly spooky, Kim! Did you get into the wine or something? We just got here. Amy found herself a hot date!”

“Okay. Of course. Have fun. I’m going to watch a movie or something.”

“Good! You do that!”

After Kim hung up, she ran over to the door and made sure it was locked. Considering the circumstances, locking the door shouldn’t have made her feel any better, but it did. “Chill Kim,” she said to herself. You didn’t see anything back there. In the kitchen, she made some herbal tea—Chamomile always relaxed her—and took it back to the sofa to drink.

About an hour later she opened her eyes. The television was off, the rain had stopped, and there was a still quality in the air that made everything seem quieter than normal. She rubbed her eyes and sat up. When she opened them, Susie was there, sitting next to her.

Kim opened her mouth, but there was no scream. Susie put her hand to Kim’s lips. Her touch was cold, but her eyes were exactly like the ones in the pictures, piercing.

Kim’s legs wanted to move. Her mind told her to run. But she sat silent, transfixed by Susie’s stare.

“I won’t hurt you, “Susie said.

Kim vaulted off the sofa, down the hall, and into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She climbed into bed and pulled the covers over her head.

Then, she felt a body climb on her bed.

“Kim, I won’t hurt you. Please, just let me look at you.”

She lowered the covers slowly. She’d been in bed with a few women, gazing into their eyes, anticipating the first kiss, but never with someone as beautiful as Susie. Her heart felt like it would pound right out of her chest, but when Susie put her lips on Kim, Kim melted.

Susie’s lips, like her hands, were cold, but her kiss was hungry. Kim whimpered and slid her hands up Susie’s cold arms to stroke Susie’s long hair. It smelled like the forest that surrounded them.

They kissed for a long time, holding each other, rolling their tongues in each other’s mouths, tasting each other’s lips. Kim felt like she could kiss like this, cool and warm all mixed together, forever.

She didn’t remember dozing off, but when she woke up, Susie was gone.

Was it real? It had to be real.

Amy, Mary and Denise stood over the bed. They smelled of cigarettes and alcohol, but their looks of concern were genuine.

“Are you okay?” Denise asked.

“Yes.” She smiled at them, realizing it was true. “I’m fine.”