coyote

I was down at Bear’s Bar and Grill, knocking back a few, when who should come strutting in but Crow, dressed from head to toe in black, as usual. “Well, well, well,” I said. “Look who’s here. Johnny Cash himself.” That got a few chuckles from the few patrons who were still sober enough to chuckle, because Crow thinks he’s got the most beautiful voice in three counties, when the truth is that Bear only let’s Crow sing when it’s closing time and Bear wants to clear the place out in a hurry so he can go home and get some sleep.

Crow ignored my sarcastic remark and strode up to the bar and asked for “the usual.” Crow’s usual is a cheap whiskey that he’s siphoned into a bottle of Johnny Walker Red and asked Bear to keep behind the bar for him. He knocked it down, then turned around and asked real casual-like, “Anybody seen Coyote lately?”

Now if there’s one thing Crow has a talent for, it’s getting people’s attention. I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t wanted to wring Coyote’s scrawny yellow neck at one time or another, but I’ve also never met anyone who will walk away when someone has information on his latest escapade. Myself, I stayed away from Bear’s Bar and Grill for four weeks, because I was so sick of buying drinks for that damn freeloader. But I have to admit that I was disappointed when I walked in and he wasn’t sitting there in his usual spot by the door.

Crow waited for his answer. He wasn’t going to continue until we begged him. Finally Bear obliged by saying, “I haven’t seen Coyote in over a week. That’s got to be some kind of record.” Now that the ice had been broken everyone talked at once. It seems that the last person who saw him was Rabbit. She said that he had taken to standing by the hedge of briars and brambles on the outskirts of town. She said he seemed to be waiting for something. “Or someone,” said Owl. We all looked at Owl in amazement. Not because he seemed to know something the rest of us didn’t. Owl always seems to know something the rest of us don’t. It’s just that he’s usually passed out, and therefore doesn’t contribute to the conversation. But there he was, sort of blinking and nodding and looking like his head might fall back onto the table at any second. “What do you mean by that, Owl?” Bear asked. Crow could see that the story was getting away from him, so he jumped in before Owl could continue. “He means that it’s time for the Prince to come!” Crow said in his loud grating voice. We all looked at Owl for confirmation. Owl nodded a few times, but it was hard to say if he was agreeing with Crow or simply nodding off, because he put his head back on the table and seemed to go to sleep. So now we had no choice but to trust Crow to tell us what was going on, and that’s never a happy situation.

“Yes, indeed,” said Crow strutting, up and down in front of the bar. “Somehow our little Coyote friend got it into his head that it was time for the Prince to come, so he parked his behind in front the hedge to wait for him.”

“But why?” asked Rabbit in a worried tone. “What does Coyote have to do with princes and such?”

“Well, that’s the very question I asked him myself,” said Crow. “‘Coyote,” I said. “Don’t tell me you’re having fantasies about that princess who’s been hibernating on the other side of that hedge.’

“‘No, of course not,” said Coyote. “What do I want with some fifteen year-old virgin who’s never read a sex manual or seen a pornographic movie. Where’s the fun in that?’

“I had to admit that Coyote had a point there. So I asked why he was waiting for the Prince. Well, he wouldn’t tell me until I swore I wouldn’t tell anyone else about his scheme. So I promised.”

“Then you shouldn’t be telling us now,” Ant said primly. Ant sat next to her friend Rabbit, crocheting a baby blanket. She always said that she only came to Bear’s to keep an eye on Rabbit and make sure she got home safely, but if you watched very carefully you’d notice that Ant consumed an awful lot of alcohol for such a tiny person.

“Oh, it’s all right to talk about it now,” said Crow, his voice suddenly taking on a mournful tone. “Coyote’s adventure is all over. In fact this was Coyote’s last adventure.”

There was silence in the bar, then the sound of weeping. I have to admit that my own eyes filled with tears. But even now, with this terrible news, Crow was still making us beg him for the story.

“Tell us what happened, Crow,” Bear growled.

“Well, “ said Crow, “as you know I’m very busy, but I did make a point of flying over that hedge at least once a day. For three days Coyote just sat there, waiting. Then, on the fourth day, he wasn’t there any more. I flew back over the hedge, keeping a sharp look-out, and I noticed a path being cut through the dense foliage. I swooped down and there was this fellow on a horse. The briars and brambles were melting away in front of him and growing back up behind him, so that you’d never know anyone had ever been through there. It was the strangest sight. And there, trotting along beside him, was Coyote. You see Coyote had heard somewhere that the Princess and everyone else in the palace had fallen asleep on the day of her fifteenth birthday, and all he could think about was the free food just sitting there, and no one to shoo him away. Now, knowing what a mess Coyote can make when he pokes his nose into places he has no business going, I decided to follow them.

“As soon as they got to the palace, Coyote headed straight for the table, and I have to admit that he had been right about the feast. From the window sill I could see huge platters piled with slices of roast beef, red and juicy. There was a whole suckling pig with an apple in its mouth and a mound of that stuff, what do you call it? Pate’ de foie gras. I soon got tired of watching Coyote stuff his face, so I decided to see what that Prince fellow was up to. I thought I caught a glimpse of him running up a steep flight of stairs. From the outside I saw a turret with a very small window. I had a hunch that that’s where he was headed, so I flew up there and perched on the ledge. Sure enough, this young gal was sleeping away. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but she seemed to have a bored expression on her face. That didn’t bother the Prince any, though. He bent down and kissed her. Her eyes fluttered opened. She looked into his blue eyes, yawned, and said in a disappointed tone, “I’ve had this dream before,” and went back to sleep.

“As the Prince stood there scratching his head, I heard a huge crash. It didn’t take me long to figure out what had happened. When the princess woke up, everyone in the palace woke up, and someone saw Coyote up on the table gnawing away at the feast and went after him, probably with one of those long carving knives. Now that the princess had elected to go back to sleep, everyone else in the palace had joined her, but Coyote didn’t know that. He was too busy running. And wouldn’t you know, in that whole vast palace, the place he headed straight for was the turret where the princess had gone back to sleep and the prince was trying to figure out what to do next. Coyote streaked into that tiny room like a flash of yellow lightning. He was running so fast that he would have collided into the stone wall if he hadn’t leapt up into the air and land on top of the princess instead. The impact sent her sprawling to the floor.

“ ‘Ow!’ she said loudly, rubbing her head and opening her eyes. And there, an inch in front of her face, was that mangy coyote, tongue hanging halfway down his chest and covered in saliva.

The Princess screamed and fainted. Then, slowly, she opened her eyes again. ‘Who are you?’ she asked in wonderment. ‘I’ve never dreamt you before.’

“ ‘I’m Coyote,’ Coyote answered. ‘Go back to sleep so I can continue my meal.’

“ ‘I don’t want to go back to sleep,’ said the Princess. ‘Please stay here with me. I’ll give you anything you want.’

“ ‘Anything?’ asked Coyote.

“ The Princess nodded.

“ ‘How about some of that roast duckling, minus the orange sauce.’

“ ‘At once.’ The Princess jumped up, and clapped her hands. When the servants came running into the room, she ordered them to fulfill Coyote’s every wish.

“I didn’t stick around too much after that,” Crow said. “Frankly the sight of Coyote lying in a soft bed piled high with eiderdown comforters, being waited on by servants, and having his head scratched by a Princess made me sick. Besides, I had business to attend to. But finally curiosity got the best of me, and I flew back.

“There was a flurry of activity in the kitchen yard. The servants were preparing a feast that made the birthday one look like a snack. I eavesdropped and learned that the Princess was getting married. But to who? Not Coyote! Surely not Coyote! I flew into the apple tree in the middle of the yard where two young women were gossiping as they plucked chickens. ‘Cook thinks it was the Prince what done it,” said the thin, dark one. ‘But I don’t believe that. He’s so handsome, he would never do anything bad.’

“ ‘Then who do you think done it?’ asked the fat, fair one.

“ ‘I think he just et hisself to death. That’s what I think.’

“As soon as she said that I knew they were talking about Coyote, and I shook my head.

“ ‘The king said it was food poisoning,’ said the fat one.

“ ‘Yes, but who poisoned the food? Cook says that the prince took the meal from her and said he wanted to give it to the dog hisself.’

“ ‘Coyote.’

“ ‘Whatever. Anyway, no matter who done it, I’m glad he dead. That didn’t make sense, a princess fawning over a dog that way. I’m glad she come to her senses and agreed to marry the Prince.’

“I didn’t want to hear any more. I flew all over the grounds hoping to see Coyote somewhere. All I found was a pile of stones and a maker that said: Beloved Coyote, Rest in Peace. I bowed my head and paid my last respects to our valiant friend who has given us so many moments of fun and unexpected delight.”

And Crow was off. Now that he had moved us with his story, he was going to make us sit through his eulogy. I gulped down my drink and was headed for the door when Coyote came crashing into the bar. ”I need a drink!” he said.

For once, Coyote didn’t have to ask twice. Bear set up four shot glasses in a row, and Coyote chugged them all back.

Coyote was filthy. His yellow coat was matted and dirt clung to every part of him, even his eyes. “What happened to you?” Bear asked.

“I’ve been in the ground,” Coyote said.

“Coyote,” Crow called out. “I thought you were dead!”

“I sure wasn’t feeling too well,” said Coyote. “That Cook should be shot. I’ve never had such stomach pains in my life! So the Prince decides to bury me in the ground, as a cure I guess. Well, it worked, but he forgot to leave a place for me to get out. It was so dark in there, I didn’t know if it was day or night!”

“So what happened?” I asked. “How did you get out?”

“Oh, mole came along just in time. She showed me her underground tunnel. It’s a good thing I didn’t have anything to eat while I was in the ground. As it was I barely squeezed through.”

Well, we all treated Coyote pretty well that night. Crow even offered to share his Johnny Walker Red with Coyote. He was trying to be a good sport about the fact that Coyote had stolen the spotlight.
When we had all had our fill of drink, even Coyote, Bear asked Crow to sing a song. As soon as he opened his mouth, we all headed for the door. As I got into my truck, I saw Coyote heading to the outskirts of town where the hedge of briars and brambles grow. “Coyote,” I said. “What are you doing? The Prince has already come.”

“I know.” said Coyote. I’m waiting for mole to pop out and take me back into her tunnel. Crow told me that there’s a huge wedding feast going on at the palace. I plan to make a surprise appearance.”